we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We left an ass print on the piano.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
