i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
