do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Come on in and take your pants off
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