he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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