the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
