He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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