No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
