I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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