he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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