i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
