literally had 100 drinks last night.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
