Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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