Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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