He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i think my cat just said my name.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
