I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
