This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Drunk is a universal language darling
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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