Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
