Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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