Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
