There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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