Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
