Umm I'm too high to move.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
