I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
