we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
