I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
