I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
