I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
