Soap is not a condiment
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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