If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
