I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
