Just took my morning after pill in the library
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
