When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
