I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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