So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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