He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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