Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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