My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Couch. On fire.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
