You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
