i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
