We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
