Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
