Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
