Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
birth control should be required to get into college
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
