So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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