i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
