dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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