Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
