I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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