Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
