shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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