i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
